Charlotte The Dinosaur

Brian the dinosaur was hanging around one day happily munching some Jurassic plants when he spotted his friend Charlotte.

He wandered over to where Charlotte was sitting and was shocked at what he saw.

"Charlotte!" he said, "what is that you're holding?"

Charlotte looked up from what she was doing and smiled. "It's a pen," she said.

"A what?" asked Brian, for he had never heard of such a thing.

"A pen," repeated Charlotte. "A quill pen, made from a large feather from one of my feathery dinosaur friends."

"What is it for?" asked Brian.

"It can be used for making marks on a piece of paper," said Charlotte.

Paper, of course was something else that Brian hadn't heard of, so she had to explain that as well.

She then went on to explain what she was doing with marks she was putting on the paper: "I'm writing a story. A novel, in fact. A romance novel," she announced proudly.

"A romance novel?"

Charlotte tried to explain more, but Brian just couldn't understand.

"Why on earth would  you want to do that?" asked Brian, "you're a dinosaur!"

"Ah yes," said Charlotte, "but I'm not just any dinosaur..."

 

"I'm a Brontësaurus."

 

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Toasties

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,

'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you?

To which he is answered, 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the rabbit said ...

'Mixin-me-toasties'

Submitted by: Dan F

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Eating The Watch

"And now," said the magician, "for my next trick...

...before your very eyes...

I will eat this ordinary wrist-watch... one piece at a time!"

The magician started the trick by putting the watch on his table, and very carefully using a tiny screwdriver to open the back.

He then proceeded very slowly to undo the screws on the casement and put it to one side.

Next, delicately removed each tiny cog, wheel, screw, spring, gear, wheel, hammer, pin, arbour, dial, switch, balance, and hand from the unfortunate chronograph.

Then he unhooked the strap and removed the barrel.

Each piece, whether large or small was placed with utmost care onto a large white dinner plate.

The trick had already been going for several hours at this point, but he seemed to be making progress, so we carried on watching.

Having dismantled every last component of the timepiece and put each part onto his plate, he now reached under his table, produced a salt cellar, and proceeded to shake some salt over the watch pieces.

He did likewise with a pepper grinder.

He then sprinkled some herbs onto the plate.

And some spices.

And flakes of chilie pepper.

And some crushed garlic.

Finally he looked up and addressed the audience: "The preparation is complete. Now prepare to  be amazed! I shall eat the watch!"

And so he did.

One...

    ...piece...

        ...at...

            ...a...

                ...time.

Until eventually there was nothing left on the plate.

"Ta-da!" he cried, "I have done it! The trick is complete!"

Of course, we applauded him. I was, after all, a very impressive trick.

 

I just wish it hadn't been so time consuming.

 

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Emperor Chicken

Hundreds of years ago, in ancient Rome, a chicken was minding her own business, pecking away at the dust and making the occasional cluck-cluck-cluck noise.

Our lowly chicken didn't know it, but she was only a few streets away from the very heart of Rome, the Emperor's palace, the seat of all power.

One day, our chicken heard a strange noise coming from down the road, and being an inquisitive sort of chicken, she decided to investigate.

She walked down the road, around a corner, under an arch, across a courtyard, into a building, through a doorway, and finally ended up in a room full of people rushing about making something.

She hopped up onto a table to get a better look, and she was amazed when she saw what they were doing. She was in a huge kitchen, and the people were busy preparing a dish made of delicious-looking fresh lettuces.

As soon as she saw it, she let out a squawk of excitement. And that was when all the busy people stopped being busy and turned to look at her.

Before she knew it, she was being carried through wide corridors with intricate patterned floors and lined with ornate statues. At first she was afraid, but eventually they arrived at a grand room with vaulted ceilings and important-looking men in robes. She had been brought for an audience with the Roman Senate itself!

The senators conferred among themselves, until eventually one of them turned and spoke.

"We have agreed that this chicken should be made Emperor of all Rome. With immediate effect!" he proclaimed.

"After all, it's not every day that a Chicken Caeser Salad."

 

Submitted by: Simon Champion

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The Gloop Maker

There once was a sailor returning to his ship. Just as he approached the edge of the dock, he slipped and fell into the water between ship and dockside. As he hit the water, the ship began to swing toward the harbour wall, and he would have been crushed to death had not a little man, with great presence of mind, thrown a rope and hauled him to safety.

"Whew, thanks!" said the sailor. "You saved my life. Tell me, is there anything I can do for you in return?"

"Well actually," said the man, "there is something. I'd dearly like to work aboard ship and, in fact, I was just on my way to look for a job when I saw you in the water. If you could put in a word for me. I'd be greatly obliged."

"Done!" said the sailor. He took the little man on board and tracked down his immediate superior. "This man saved my life just now, and he really would very much like to have a job on the ship."

"Well, I don't know," said the Petty Officer. "We have a full ship's complement, but I'll certainly put in a word on his behalf to my superior. What does he do?"

"I'm a Gloop Maker," said the little man eagerly.

Not wishing to appear ignorant in front of his subordinate, the Petty Officer didn't like to ask what exactly a Gloop Maker was, so he went to see the Chief Petty Officer.

"This man saved the life of one of my seamen," he told the Chief. "Do you think we could find him a job aboard? He's a Gloop Maker."

Not wishing to appear ignorant in front of his subordinate, the Chief asked the Warrant Officer, who asked the Sub-Lieutenant and so on, all the way through the chain of command until the request reached the Captain. After congratulating the little man, the Captain, not wanting to appear ignorant, named him ship's Gloop Maker and ordered the Supply Officer to provide whatever materials were necessary for work to commence.

The little man asked for a strong block and tackle fitted up on the afterdeck, a small stool, a hammer and chisel, a portable furnace, a lump of iron measuring four metres by four metres, several kilograms of copper and several more of silver.

As the ship sailed, the little man set his stool alongside the huge chunk of iron, lit the furnace and began to melt down the copper and silver. Then, with much hammering and chiselling, he began to add blobs of copper and curlicues of silver to the sides of the lump of iron.

Each day crew members stopped and stared at the wondrously strange thing taking shape at the ship's stern. But not wishing to appear ignorant, nobody asked the Gloop Maker what he actually was making.

"Coming along nicely," said the captain as he made his daily rounds. "Any idea precisely when it will be --ah-- ready?"

"Oh yes," said the man. "At 1400 hrs. on July 15 we shall sail through the centre of the Bermuda Triangle. That's when it'll be ready, and I'd like the crew assembled on deck at that hour, if you please, sir."

And so, the great day dawned, the men assembled and the Gloop Maker put down his hammer and chisel. Proudly he stood back and indicated that the block and tackle should be lowered onto his masterpiece, whose copper and silver curlicues gleamed in the sun. Carefully he directed it to be lifted from the deck and swung round until it hung over the sea at the ship's stern.

"Ready, steady, go!" he cried, and he cut it free. And, as it fell into the deep blue waters of the Atlantic, it went, "GLOOP!"

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