Crazy Chemistry

In the middle ages, there was a science called Alchemy. It was the forerunner of chemistry, and many men tried their luck with it, as it was believed that you could do things like turn lead into gold.

These high hopes were eventually dashed, but the practice did turn up some surprising findings.

For example, it was discovered that if you put some ordinary looking herbs into sea water when the moon is full, it would instantly vanish.

After all: thyme in tide waits for no man.

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The Vet

A man rushes into a veterinarian practice, carrying the limp and lifeless body of his beloved pet gopher.

The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put the gopher down on the examination table.

The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his pet, regrettably is dead.

The man, clearly upset and not willing to accept the obvious, demands a second opinion. So the vet goes into the back room and comes out with a Black Labrador.

The dog sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the Lab thinks he's is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his beloved pet is dead. So the vet brings in a Siamese cat and puts the cat down next to the gopher's body.

The Siamese sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the gopher's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the Siamese thinks he's dead, too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650.00."

"$650.00 just to tell me that he's dead?!" exclaims the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50.00 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600.00 was for the Cat Scan and the Lab Tests."

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The Norse Statue

After a heavy day's digging at the archeological site in Norway, the researchers uncovered a priceless statue of the ancient Norse thunder god.

It was a wondrous piece of artwork - He had bulging muscles, and imposing stance, and of course his famous giant hammer.

But most important of all, the eyes in his fierce-looking face were made of two giant rubies that glittered with a brilliant red colour.

Of course, the two leading archeologists on the dig were both determined that they should be the one to have their name listed against the discovery, and pretty soon the argument was intensifying to the point where the rest of the team, despite being exhausted after the day's work, started to gather round to watch.

The two of them continued squabbling for some time, and they provided the others with a great source of amusement for the evening, and by the time they finally gave up and called a truce, everyone else was feeling quite refreshed by the entertainment.

As the crowd dispersed, one junior digger turned to his friend, and said:

"Well, that was a fight for Thor eyes."

Submitted by: Simon Champion

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Locked Car

A bloke is sitting by his car at the side of the road looking unhappy. A passer-by sees his glum face and asks what the problem is.

"I've locked myself out of my car." replies the man.

"That's not a problem," replied the passer-by, "Step out of the way, and let me have a look."

The motorist is a bit perplexed, but reckons there's no harm in it letting the man try. So the passer-by turns around, and rubs his legs slowly up and down the driver"s door. Suddenly, the lock opens and the man turns and opens the car door.

"That's amazing!" says the motorist, "How did you do it?"

"It's easy," replies the pedestrian, "I'm wearing khaki trousers."

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Punny Computer

Several programmers were working on a project titled the Machine Intelligence Language Trainer Operating Network, or M.I.L.T.O.N.

The objective was to develop a machine capable of making puns. They tried language after language, but with each one, the computer would just barely pass the Turing test for artificial intelligence. This wasn't good enough for them, so they wrote their own language. It utilized a double logarithmic tree to compare multiple meanings of words across various contexts. They called it the Humour Emulative Logarithmic Language. Once this code was programmed, the machine performed much, much better on the Turing tests, and made staggeringly awful puns. The Artificial Punster was born.

The decision was made to set MILTON up on the Internet, so that millions could enjoy the puns. It actually required installation on two servers in order to handle the demand for access. Unfortunately, it kept getting infected by viruses sent in by people who had no sense of humour, and the time it took to constantly clean the system was annoying the developers. They were about to pull the plug when the AP made it's own suggestion. If they allowed it to absorb the functions of the servers, it would be able to protect them from viruses (its unique use of language allowing it to make the necessary distinctions).

This was done, and it worked.

The programmers were the toast of the computer industry, and made the usual circuit of news 'zines and interviews. One day, a reporter thought to ask the AP how it would describe the story of its creation. The machine thought for a moment, then replied...

"Better Turing in H.E.L.L.' then two servers' haven."

Submitted by: Chris Coleman

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