Shakespearean Rugby

It's little known that William Shakespeare, as well as writing, also enjoyed a good game of rugby in his spare time.

So, the team is assembled for practice one Saturday afternoon. It's the middle of winter, and even for England, it's cold and it's wet. The pitch is a muddy swamp, and the players decide that they simply can't play in these conditions.

So they go to the club-house for a bit, but they very quickly get bored. And then one of the players has a bright idea: Why don't we all go over to William's house? William Shakespeare is doubtful, but they persuade him, and pretty soon, the whole squad is relaxing in his living room.

Well, they're rugby players, and true to the stereotype, they all quickly get drunk, and of course, they come up with the even better idea - of having their rugby practice in the house ("well, it's a big house, after all"). William has also been drinking, so he's easy to persuade this time, and after moving some furniture out of the way, they get down to the serious business of practicing their sport.

Meanwhile, not far away, the King has just had a great idea for a play, and dispatches a messenger to summon his favourite playwrite.

Well, the messenger arrives at the house, and he can hear this enormous commotion from inside, with shouting and crashes, and he thinks that William Shakespeare must be getting attacked. He braces himself, and crashes through the front door... and lands directly in the path of two groups of large hairy rugby players.

The messenger is pinned to the floor for a while, and he can't move. He does manage to free himself momentarily, before getting trapped again, up against a wall. Finally, he escapes, and returns to the palace as quickly as his mangled body will allow.

The king takes one look at him, and gasps. "What happened to you?" he asks.

"I think," said the messenger, "that I got caught between a ruck and a bard's place."

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Crazy Chemistry

In the middle ages, there was a science called Alchemy. It was the forerunner of chemistry, and many men tried their luck with it, as it was believed that you could do things like turn lead into gold.

These high hopes were eventually dashed, but the practice did turn up some surprising findings.

For example, it was discovered that if you put some ordinary looking herbs into sea water when the moon is full, it would instantly vanish.

After all: thyme in tide waits for no man.

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The Vet

A man rushes into a veterinarian practice, carrying the limp and lifeless body of his beloved pet gopher.

The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put the gopher down on the examination table.

The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his pet, regrettably is dead.

The man, clearly upset and not willing to accept the obvious, demands a second opinion. So the vet goes into the back room and comes out with a Black Labrador.

The dog sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the Lab thinks he's is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his beloved pet is dead. So the vet brings in a Siamese cat and puts the cat down next to the gopher's body.

The Siamese sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the gopher's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the Siamese thinks he's dead, too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650.00."

"$650.00 just to tell me that he's dead?!" exclaims the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50.00 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600.00 was for the Cat Scan and the Lab Tests."

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The Norse Statue

After a heavy day's digging at the archeological site in Norway, the researchers uncovered a priceless statue of the ancient Norse thunder god.

It was a wondrous piece of artwork - He had bulging muscles, and imposing stance, and of course his famous giant hammer.

But most important of all, the eyes in his fierce-looking face were made of two giant rubies that glittered with a brilliant red colour.

Of course, the two leading archeologists on the dig were both determined that they should be the one to have their name listed against the discovery, and pretty soon the argument was intensifying to the point where the rest of the team, despite being exhausted after the day's work, started to gather round to watch.

The two of them continued squabbling for some time, and they provided the others with a great source of amusement for the evening, and by the time they finally gave up and called a truce, everyone else was feeling quite refreshed by the entertainment.

As the crowd dispersed, one junior digger turned to his friend, and said:

"Well, that was a fight for Thor eyes."

Submitted by: Simon Champion

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Locked Car

A bloke is sitting by his car at the side of the road looking unhappy. A passer-by sees his glum face and asks what the problem is.

"I've locked myself out of my car." replies the man.

"That's not a problem," replied the passer-by, "Step out of the way, and let me have a look."

The motorist is a bit perplexed, but reckons there's no harm in it letting the man try. So the passer-by turns around, and rubs his legs slowly up and down the driver"s door. Suddenly, the lock opens and the man turns and opens the car door.

"That's amazing!" says the motorist, "How did you do it?"

"It's easy," replies the pedestrian, "I'm wearing khaki trousers."

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