Cliff Shoving

There is a traditional sport in Ireland, called "Cliff Shoving". It involves a small local rodent called a rarie (which is similar to a lemming) being pushed off a cliff.

The aim of the game is to see who can get the poor animal to go over the edge with the least amount of effort.

Of course, these days people aren't so keen on blood sports, and the animal rights people wouldn't like it either, so it's changed from a cliff into a small shallow pit that the rodents are pushed into.

This in turn has made it much easier to get the animals to jump, to the point where, with a properly trained rarie, it takes barely a touch to get it into the pit.

The sport is mostly based only in Ireland, but they do get the occasional overseas competitor. Recently, they had a fellow come all the way from Australia to take part.

During a break, he mentioned that he'd had a eighteen hour journey to get there.

"But I guess I always knew it would be a long flight," he said. "After all, it's a long way to tip a rarie."

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Twin Skunks

A mother skunk gave birth to twins, whom she named In and Out.

One day In was out, so she aked Out,"Out go out and find In, In's out and I want him in, I've been looking for In outside for ages, I can't find In, he is out so go out find In and bring him in."

"What?" said Out.

"In's out, so Out go out find In and bring him In, I've been looking for ages and can't find In, I want In in, Out go out and bring In in, if you can find him."

So Out goes out to look for his brother In, and within seconds of leaving, he comes back with In in tow, and his mother asks "Out, how did you find In so quickly?"

(here it comes....)

"In stinkt."

Submitted by: Tony

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Chefs at the Zoo

David was a chef for a large catering company. He enjoyed his work with the other chefs, but often liked to relax by going to the zoo. He particularly enjoyed the three-toed sloth which absolutely fascinated him. He would stand and watch it for hours, just hanging there, ever so infrequently making just the tiniest movement. He found it incredibly relaxing. So relaxing, in fact, that when a friend from the catering company complained that work was stressing him out he suggested they go to the zoo to watch the sloth and relax. This caught on among the chefs, and soon more and more of them would go to watch the sloth on weekends and days off.

Eventually David organised a day out for the company at the zoo, and all the chefs were standing in front of the sloth's area, watching it and relaxing. Suddenly, with no warning, the sloth lost its grip on the vine from which it had been hanging - it hit the ground heavily and rolled down a shallow slope into the moat at the edge of its pen, and to the surprise and horror of the gathered chefs the water began to bubble and steam furiously, until the sloth was well and truly roasted!

David suddenly realised what had happened.

"Oh, no!" he shouted, "We should have known better! Everyone knows too many cooks boil the sloth!"

Submitted by: Andrew Hopkins

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The Devil's Hairpiece

Not many people know it, but the Devil actually wears a wig. You'd never know if you weren't told - it's a perfect fit. Anyway, down in the world of fire and brimstone one guy did find out, and he decided to have a little practical joke. So one night, he sneaks past the guardian demons and manages to get all the way into Satan's bed chamber, whereupon he steals the hair-piece and makes good his escape.

Well, of course the Devil was most displeased by this, and he rounds up his demons, and demands to know which of them had been so lazy as to let someone sneak past them. Naturally, none of them owns up, which makes him even madder: So he calls a general meeting of everyone the underworld: everyone has to attend.

The meeting is held in a huge cavern, and it's absolutely packed (except for the odd gap in the crowd, where there's a lava-pit or bottomless fissure in the floor). As Satan steps up to speak, everyone sees that he's got no hair, and peals of laughter start echoing out around the hall.

The devil bellows at them to be quiet, and a deadly hush falls.

"Whoever stole it," he shouts, "had better return it immediately!" And here he paused for effect...

"Or else there'll be Hell Toupee!"

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Bacon Tree

There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a small tree off in the distance.

As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts. And the smell... oh, the glorious smell!"

"Look Pepe," says the first man. "It's a bacon tree!"

"You're right!" says Pepe, "We're saved!"

Pepe doesn't wait another second. He runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But just as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.

His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe.

"Pepe!! Pepe!! What on earth happened?"

And with his dying breath Pepe calls back: "Ugh, run, run!! It's not a Bacon Tree after all..."

"...its a ham bush!"

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