Pointing The Way

Things were getting desperate for the members of the jungle expedition. They had been travelling in ever narrower circles for three days, their supplies were running low and the helpers they hired insisted on returning to their homes. Everyone thought that they would be lost for ever.

Happily, one of the natives offered a solution. He held up for all to see a large jungle insect which looked like some sort of mantis.

"The insect always points North," he said. "I will leave you now but if you follow the pointing insect, you can find your way out without me."

The explorers were happy to follow the insect. Indeed, it maintained a steady heading at first and they seemed to be making progress. Then a day passed. Then another one passed. The huge insect began to twitch and shake ever more erratically.

They knew that they were lost.

"Forget it!" one of them shouted in frustration. "This insect is mad! It's insane I tell you! It points every which way and we're lost. This is hopeless!"

"How can you tell that?" the others asked. "How can the insect be mad?"

"Can't you all see?" he cried...... "It's non-compass-mantis."

Permalink:

Not rated yet
Fishy Purse-uit

A man is out walking on a warm day along the edge of a remote pond. He is on the bank enjoying the view when he suddenly loses his footing and falls into the pond. The water is not deep but he does have to struggle to make it safely back to shore. He climbs out, dripping wet, and notices that his wallet is not in his pocket.

As he ponders the pond, wondering whether he should jump back in and search for his wallet, lo, what wonders appear! As he is looking at the surface of the water, he sees a school of large carp chasing something around.

One carp emerges at water surface and what does he have in its mouth but the guy's wallet! Suddenly another carp appears at the surface and the first carp flips the wallet to the second carp who catches it in his mouth. Then a third fish appears and on and on it goes.

After watching amazed for several hours, he decided to report this strange behaviour to the experts, but they told him it was a well known phenomenon - it is known as carp-to-carp walleting.

Permalink:

Not rated yet
Cliff Shoving

There is a traditional sport in Ireland, called "Cliff Shoving". It involves a small local rodent called a rarie (which is similar to a lemming) being pushed off a cliff.

The aim of the game is to see who can get the poor animal to go over the edge with the least amount of effort.

Of course, these days people aren't so keen on blood sports, and the animal rights people wouldn't like it either, so it's changed from a cliff into a small shallow pit that the rodents are pushed into.

This in turn has made it much easier to get the animals to jump, to the point where, with a properly trained rarie, it takes barely a touch to get it into the pit.

The sport is mostly based only in Ireland, but they do get the occasional overseas competitor. Recently, they had a fellow come all the way from Australia to take part.

During a break, he mentioned that he'd had a eighteen hour journey to get there.

"But I guess I always knew it would be a long flight," he said. "After all, it's a long way to tip a rarie."

Permalink:

Not rated yet
Twin Skunks

A mother skunk gave birth to twins, whom she named In and Out.

One day In was out, so she aked Out,"Out go out and find In, In's out and I want him in, I've been looking for In outside for ages, I can't find In, he is out so go out find In and bring him in."

"What?" said Out.

"In's out, so Out go out find In and bring him In, I've been looking for ages and can't find In, I want In in, Out go out and bring In in, if you can find him."

So Out goes out to look for his brother In, and within seconds of leaving, he comes back with In in tow, and his mother asks "Out, how did you find In so quickly?"

(here it comes....)

"In stinkt."

Submitted by: Tony

Permalink:

Not rated yet
Chefs at the Zoo

David was a chef for a large catering company. He enjoyed his work with the other chefs, but often liked to relax by going to the zoo. He particularly enjoyed the three-toed sloth which absolutely fascinated him. He would stand and watch it for hours, just hanging there, ever so infrequently making just the tiniest movement. He found it incredibly relaxing. So relaxing, in fact, that when a friend from the catering company complained that work was stressing him out he suggested they go to the zoo to watch the sloth and relax. This caught on among the chefs, and soon more and more of them would go to watch the sloth on weekends and days off.

Eventually David organised a day out for the company at the zoo, and all the chefs were standing in front of the sloth's area, watching it and relaxing. Suddenly, with no warning, the sloth lost its grip on the vine from which it had been hanging - it hit the ground heavily and rolled down a shallow slope into the moat at the edge of its pen, and to the surprise and horror of the gathered chefs the water began to bubble and steam furiously, until the sloth was well and truly roasted!

David suddenly realised what had happened.

"Oh, no!" he shouted, "We should have known better! Everyone knows too many cooks boil the sloth!"

Submitted by: Andrew Hopkins

Permalink: