Justin the Fig

I met a talking fig tree once. Actually, it wasn't the tree that talked, it was the figs. They would spend all day talking to each other as they grew on the tree.

One of the figs, who's name was Justin became a very close friend of mine. He was rather dyslexic, so sometimes I had to ask the other figs what he was saying.

One day, I was talking to him, and he came up with a phrase "your magic-nation', and as usual, I had to ask the others what he had said.

"Don't worry," said one, "Just the fig meant 'your imagination'."

Permalink:

Not rated yet
Touring The Tower

A tour group stopped at the Tower of London, and were given the chance to try out some of the ancient armour. Two men - one from Prague and another from Athens took up the opportunity. One donned a slightly damaged suit of plate armor and the other chain-mail, while the rest of the group crowded around. But in the full suits, the onlookers couldn't tell one from the other.
"Is that the Czech wearing the plate armour?" asked one tourist.

"No," replied another, "The Greek has the broken plate, and the Czech is in the mail."

Permalink:

Not rated yet
Bear Pit

In times gone by, there was a (somewhat cruel) sport known as Bear Baiting. Two bears would be put into a bit, and have to fight to the death. Between fights, the bears would be kept in pits all the time, so they were used to the surroundings during a fight.

One bear-keeper, though, was very poor, and couldn't afford his own pit, so he kept his bear stuck down the bottom of the local well. (obviously, it wasn't used any more for getting water...)

Many years after this, when the sport had died away, and bears were no longer kept down the village well, a man fell down the well. (No bears, but quite an unpleasant experience nonetheless)

A crowd of people gathered around the top of the well, calling out to the man those typically inane comments like "Are you all right?".

Fortunately, he was unharmed (albeit with something of a headache), so he starts looking around for a way to get out. In the darkness, he finds a series of grooves and indentations in the wall of the well, where the bears have scraped over the years to get out.The grooves run almost the whole way up to the top, and the man starts climbing carefully up the well wall, following where many bears have previously gone.

Meanwhile, at the top, one of the crowd has run off to get a length of rope. He returns, and asks the others how the man is.

"Oh, he's bearing up well," is the reply.

Permalink:

Not rated yet
Pointing The Way

Things were getting desperate for the members of the jungle expedition. They had been travelling in ever narrower circles for three days, their supplies were running low and the helpers they hired insisted on returning to their homes. Everyone thought that they would be lost for ever.

Happily, one of the natives offered a solution. He held up for all to see a large jungle insect which looked like some sort of mantis.

"The insect always points North," he said. "I will leave you now but if you follow the pointing insect, you can find your way out without me."

The explorers were happy to follow the insect. Indeed, it maintained a steady heading at first and they seemed to be making progress. Then a day passed. Then another one passed. The huge insect began to twitch and shake ever more erratically.

They knew that they were lost.

"Forget it!" one of them shouted in frustration. "This insect is mad! It's insane I tell you! It points every which way and we're lost. This is hopeless!"

"How can you tell that?" the others asked. "How can the insect be mad?"

"Can't you all see?" he cried...... "It's non-compass-mantis."

Permalink:

Not rated yet
Fishy Purse-uit

A man is out walking on a warm day along the edge of a remote pond. He is on the bank enjoying the view when he suddenly loses his footing and falls into the pond. The water is not deep but he does have to struggle to make it safely back to shore. He climbs out, dripping wet, and notices that his wallet is not in his pocket.

As he ponders the pond, wondering whether he should jump back in and search for his wallet, lo, what wonders appear! As he is looking at the surface of the water, he sees a school of large carp chasing something around.

One carp emerges at water surface and what does he have in its mouth but the guy's wallet! Suddenly another carp appears at the surface and the first carp flips the wallet to the second carp who catches it in his mouth. Then a third fish appears and on and on it goes.

After watching amazed for several hours, he decided to report this strange behaviour to the experts, but they told him it was a well known phenomenon - it is known as carp-to-carp walleting.

Permalink:

Not rated yet