Punny Computer

Several programmers were working on a project titled the Machine Intelligence Language Trainer Operating Network, or M.I.L.T.O.N.

The objective was to develop a machine capable of making puns. They tried language after language, but with each one, the computer would just barely pass the Turing test for artificial intelligence. This wasn't good enough for them, so they wrote their own language. It utilized a double logarithmic tree to compare multiple meanings of words across various contexts. They called it the Humour Emulative Logarithmic Language. Once this code was programmed, the machine performed much, much better on the Turing tests, and made staggeringly awful puns. The Artificial Punster was born.

The decision was made to set MILTON up on the Internet, so that millions could enjoy the puns. It actually required installation on two servers in order to handle the demand for access. Unfortunately, it kept getting infected by viruses sent in by people who had no sense of humour, and the time it took to constantly clean the system was annoying the developers. They were about to pull the plug when the AP made it's own suggestion. If they allowed it to absorb the functions of the servers, it would be able to protect them from viruses (its unique use of language allowing it to make the necessary distinctions).

This was done, and it worked.

The programmers were the toast of the computer industry, and made the usual circuit of news 'zines and interviews. One day, a reporter thought to ask the AP how it would describe the story of its creation. The machine thought for a moment, then replied...

"Better Turing in H.E.L.L.' then two servers' haven."

Submitted by: Chris Coleman

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Hunting Deer

Two men were out hunting in the woods. One of them was a fanatical huntsman: he went hunting as often as he could. The other was his friend: a peaceful nature loving fellow, who didn't really want to hurt anything.

They had been out in the woods for some time, when they picked up the tracks of a deer. They soon caught up with it, and when they saw it, it was obvious why it had been so easy to catch up to: it had a terrible infection over it's left eye, which it couldn't even see out of.

The hunter started to take aim with his shotgun, but his friend begged him to stop.

He said, "Can't you see that's a bad eye deer?"

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Lost Mouse

A fellow received a mouse for his birthday and he loved it so much that he never parted with it. He took this mouse everywhere, to work, to parties, to the opera... One day, a good friend of his died and so he went to pay his respects. Naturally, he took the mouse, which was perched on his shoulder.

On his way home, he suddenly realized that the mouse was gone! He retraced all his moves for the day and realised that the last place he had seen the mouse was at the funeral. He raced back across town, but it was too late. The mouse must have jumped off his shoulder while he was sitting in the hearse. He spoke to the funeral directors, but they couldn't find it: it had completely vanished.

The man was filled with grief as he remembered an old adage his mother had told him time and time again as a kid:

Never lock a gift mouse in the hearse.

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Australian Tea

There was a man in England who was considered by all to be the world's foremost authority on tea. One day he was chatting with a friend of his that had just returned from a trip to Australia. This friend told him that he had heard of a tea brewed in a small town in the Outback named Mercy. The connoisseur scoffed at him, stating that no tea came out of the Outback, because there was no way to grow it.

"Oh, it doesn't come from leaves," remarked his friend, "they brew it from Koala fur."

This so intrigued the expert that he booked a flight to Australia the next day. After his arrival, he hired a guide to take him deep into the Outback to the town of Mercy. Once in town, he found the only pub, and ordered a cup of the mysterious beverage.

The cup was placed before him. He spent many moments noting the colour, the aroma, and the viscosity. He took a small sip. It was good! He then followed with a big mouthful, and was suddenly gagging and spitting, clutching at his mouth.

"What is this?" he exclaimed, holding up a handful of what appeared to be short, coarse threads.

"Oh, that's Koala fur," replied the bartender.

"You mean to tell me that you don't strain out the fur?" asked the expert, incredulous.

"Of course not," replied the bartender, "The Koala tea of Mercy is never strained!"

Submitted by: Chris Coleman

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Split Personality

I once had a friend who was a renowned clinical psycologist. He used to tell me about all the patients he had seen. One of the most interesting cases he told me about involved a schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder.At times this person believed himself to be a temptress in a Bizet opera. At other times he was convinced that he was the head of the German Luftwaffe in WW II.

The consensus of the practitioners was that the poor fellow didn't know if he was Carmen or Goerring...

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