Food at the Races

The jockey was riding the favourite at a race meeting, and was well ahead of the field.

His horse rounded the final corner, when suddenly the jockey was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.

He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.

With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second.

He immediately went to the race stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.

Submitted by: Cheryl Harding

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Tractor Enthusiast

Out in the open farming country, there lived a farmer with a hobby. He collected tractors. He had big ones and small ones, red ones and green ones, and everything in between. And of course, all this machinery took a lot of space, so he had a number of specially constructed buildings.

But slowly, over the years, he got bored of his collection, until one day he decided to get rid of the whole lot, and he set fire to them.

A neighbouring farmer visited him, and found him standing at the entrance to one of the barns, sucking the smoke out of the building to keep the fire burning.

"What's going on?" asked the visitor.

"Well," he said, "I used to love these machines, but now I've become an ex-tractor fan."

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Stolen Throne

In the days of primitive tribes and grass huts, there was one tribe which was very warlike. They won many battles, and took control of many other tribes.

One of their customs when they beat another tribe was to take the most prized possession of the enemy's chief.

One time, after a particularly fierce battle they defeated a rich tribe, whose king had a prized solid gold throne.

Our warlike tribe took the throne, and put it in the loft in their chief' house. Unfortunately, the throne was much too heavy to be kept in a loft in a grass house, and it fell right through the ceiling, onto the chief, killing him instantly.

The Moral of this story is...... People who live in Grass Houses shouldn't stow thrones!

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The Law in China

Back in one of the old Chinese dynasties the towns had gongs that would be rung each two hours: At 8am once, 10am twice, noon thrice, 2pm four times, etc.

The lawyers of the day would stretch out the trials as much they could to make more money.

But the judges became extremely bored with the status quo and went to the emperor, getting a proclamation that all trials would have to be concluded at 2pm.

Thereafter all trials ended with a four-gong conclusion.

Submitted by: Stan Kegel

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The Bridge-Keeper

A man was walking along a road one day, when he came to a bridge across a river. Sitting on a large chair right in the middle of the path was a man, dressed in a suit of armour, and holding an enormous sword.

"None Shall Pass!" shouted the knight, in an intimidating voice.

"Why not?" asked the traveller.

"You must tell me why you want to cross the bridge."

"I want to get to the other side."

"Not good enough!" yelled the knight, brandishing his weaponry threateningly.

"Errr, I want to get to the next town," said the man.

"Sorry, but you must give me a good reason, or I can't let you cross."

"Okay. The reason I'm travelling is because I'm visiting my brother, who's sick."

"Hmmm...," said the knight. He pondered on this for a moment, before saying: "okay. That's good enough. I'll let you pass." The knight stood up, and let the man pass.

When the man arrived at his brother's house, he told the story of the knight at the bridge. "I can't understand why he made such a fuss about it," he said.

"It's obvious," said his brother, ......... "It only stands to reason."

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