The Sailor and the Seagull

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop.

Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!"

The sailor began to pick up the broom and commence performing his charge. As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, and tossed it out of his way. The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle, and was once again tossed overboard.

The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he can only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returns.

When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor.

"What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief.

"Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"

Submitted by: Francine Hornby

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The World Expert on European Wasps

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local town. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye: "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World and the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Three minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."

"I'm very sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth again, I can play you have another track."

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.

Three minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I'm terribly sorry, Sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could hear another track."

Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."

"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant,

.
.
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"I've just realised I was playing you the bee side."

Submitted by: Kingsley

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Job at the supermarket

A young boy had a job bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store decided to install a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.

The young lad was most intrigued by this machine, and he asked if he could be allowed to work the machine. The manager refused, but the youngster couldn't understand why not.
The store manager explained it to him: "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

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Handing out the Mints

John had been behind closed doors in his boss's office for over an hour, and his collegues were just starting to wonder what the boss was telling him when he finally emerged.

He walked out of the office, and one by one, he went over to the other workers, and started handing out pepermints to everyone.

"Here," he said to the first, "you can have the extra strong mints."

The next person was given a pack of soft mints, and the third received some chewing gum. Mint flavour, of course.

Finally, they could stand it no longer. "What on earth are you doing?!" they asked him.

"I'm doing my assign mints," he said.

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Tricking the teacher

Sheila loved her two dogs, but they were very disobedient, so she decided to take them to obedience classes.

The class was run by an old man. He was very strict but seemed to get good results, and after several months of regular attendance things had improved to such a degree that Sheila was even considering entering her pets into a dog show.

But then one day, disaster struck. Sheila had to baby-sit for her young nephew. All evening, the boy teased the dogs, and by the end of the day both dogs were back to their old habits - all the hard work and training was undone in a single evening; it was as if they had never been to class at all.

Worst of all, it was only a few weeks before the dog show, and she had already registered her entry. What could she do?

In desperation, Sheila decided to call a friend of hers who also had two dogs of the same type that did behave themselves, and asked to borrow them. Her friend agreed, and at the next class Sheila arrived as usual with two well-behaved dogs.

But the old man wasn't fooled for a moment - as soon as he saw them he knew they were the wrong dogs, so he called Sheila over to the side of the class.

"It was a good try," he said, once he'd heard the story, "but you should have realised that you can't trick an old teach with new dogs."

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