The Dog and the Chauffeur

Once upon a time, there were 2 brothers, Simon and Garth Brown. They had a dog called Walter, and they loved to take the dog Walter to their Uncle Charlie's mansion at the edge of town.
But one day, as they arrived at the mansion, they were suprised to find that the gates were locked and they couldn't get in. Fortunately, just then, Uncle Charlie's tall chauffeur appeared at the mansion door and began walking toward the trio at the gates.

However, the dog Walter took a sudden dislike to the tall chauffeur, and began barking and growling, making a huge noise. Neighbours leaned out of the windows of their mansions (the dog really was making a lot of noise) and asked what the hubbub was, and one of the neighbours replied:

"Simon and Garth's uncle's big chauffeur's troubled Walter."

Submitted by: David Martin

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Fortune Telling Nanny

The story of Mary Poppins as a nanny is well known. Less well-known is her subsequent tale....

She traveled to Hollywood, where she opened a shop on Sunset Boulevard as a fortune-teller. Of course we already know she has supernatural powers, so it's no surprise that she was quite skilled in fortune-telling, and her reputation grew rapidly.

She continued to tell fortunes, and found that in particular, she always received a very strong premonition whenever someone was about to have an onset of bad breath. Her predictions of this turned out to be accurate 100% of the time. In order to publicise her success at this, she had a large sign placed above her door, which read: Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis.

Submitted by: Frederick Upton

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Murder on the farm

In the depths of the countryside there lived a farmer who took care of baby animals.

The farm was very peaceful until one day the farmer's pig was murdered. Now the farmer took the incident very seriously, so he started an investigation. Unfortunately, the only witness the farmer had to this murder was his pet bunny rabbit.

Since the rabbit was unable to speak and tell him who murdered his little pig, the farmer lined up his four prime suspects, a cow, a horse, a goat, and a duck, and told the rabbit to pick out who had committed the dirty deed.

The rabbit hopped up and down the line, checking each animal, and then finally hopped forward three feet, and stopped in front of the goat.

"It wasn't me! It was't me!" yelled the goat.

The farmer shook his head and said, "The hare's looking at you, kid."

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Musical Movie

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present.

Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favourite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then,looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

So Arnold says........

"I'll be Bach."

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Playing Cricket in Church

It's Harvest Sunday at a small village church in rural England, and the vicar is organising his annual harvest service, where people bring their home-grown plants and vegetables to the service.

But this year is different. The local village cricket team has just won their league, and the village is in celebratory mood, so the vicar decides to do something special - he will combine the normal harvest service with a cricket theme.

The day of the service arrives, and the church is filled with flowers. People are bringing in their offerings of vegetables, and in the middle of the display is a cricket wicket; a strip of turf with a set of wooden stumps at each end, and people are laying their offerings on the wicket.

Everything is going fine, until one lady comes up to the front of the church, and places a bag of frozen peas among the other vegetables, but she is stopped by the vicar, so she returns to her seat, still clutching her peas.

"What happened?" asked the lady she's sitting next to.

She shrugs her shoulders, and says:

"There's no peas for the wicket."

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