Murder on the farm

In the depths of the countryside there lived a farmer who took care of baby animals.

The farm was very peaceful until one day the farmer's pig was murdered. Now the farmer took the incident very seriously, so he started an investigation. Unfortunately, the only witness the farmer had to this murder was his pet bunny rabbit.

Since the rabbit was unable to speak and tell him who murdered his little pig, the farmer lined up his four prime suspects, a cow, a horse, a goat, and a duck, and told the rabbit to pick out who had committed the dirty deed.

The rabbit hopped up and down the line, checking each animal, and then finally hopped forward three feet, and stopped in front of the goat.

"It wasn't me! It was't me!" yelled the goat.

The farmer shook his head and said, "The hare's looking at you, kid."

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Musical Movie

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present.

Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favourite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then,looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

So Arnold says........

"I'll be Bach."

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Playing Cricket in Church

It's Harvest Sunday at a small village church in rural England, and the vicar is organising his annual harvest service, where people bring their home-grown plants and vegetables to the service.

But this year is different. The local village cricket team has just won their league, and the village is in celebratory mood, so the vicar decides to do something special - he will combine the normal harvest service with a cricket theme.

The day of the service arrives, and the church is filled with flowers. People are bringing in their offerings of vegetables, and in the middle of the display is a cricket wicket; a strip of turf with a set of wooden stumps at each end, and people are laying their offerings on the wicket.

Everything is going fine, until one lady comes up to the front of the church, and places a bag of frozen peas among the other vegetables, but she is stopped by the vicar, so she returns to her seat, still clutching her peas.

"What happened?" asked the lady she's sitting next to.

She shrugs her shoulders, and says:

"There's no peas for the wicket."

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Al Gore's drums

Before Al Gore was American Vice President - in fact, even before he became involved in politics - he spent some time as a drummer for a small band playing in local clubs.
He was in fact quite a good drummer, and he developed quite a reputation for his impressive drum solos. Some of his routines were incredible for their mathematical precision.

They became known as the Al-Gore-rythms.

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Hopkins the Weatherman

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news programme. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.

That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.

He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. But in the interview for the post, they asked him the one question he was dreading: "What was the reason for you leaving your last job?"

Hopkins replied, "The climate didn't agree with me."

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