Grizzled Scientists

A Russian scientist and a scientist from the Czech Republic had spent their lives studying the grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study the bears. Finally their request was granted, and they immediately flew to the park.

They reported to the ranger station but the chief ranger told them that it was the grizzly mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance, and finally the ranger relented.

The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report in every day. For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged, with no sign of the missing men. Following the trails of a male and a female bear, they finally caught up with the female.

Fearing an international incident, they decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientist. They killed the female and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian.

One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"

The other ranger responded......

"I guess it means the Czech's in the male."

Submitted by: Alan C.

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The Dog and the Chauffeur

Once upon a time, there were 2 brothers, Simon and Garth Brown. They had a dog called Walter, and they loved to take the dog Walter to their Uncle Charlie's mansion at the edge of town.
But one day, as they arrived at the mansion, they were suprised to find that the gates were locked and they couldn't get in. Fortunately, just then, Uncle Charlie's tall chauffeur appeared at the mansion door and began walking toward the trio at the gates.

However, the dog Walter took a sudden dislike to the tall chauffeur, and began barking and growling, making a huge noise. Neighbours leaned out of the windows of their mansions (the dog really was making a lot of noise) and asked what the hubbub was, and one of the neighbours replied:

"Simon and Garth's uncle's big chauffeur's troubled Walter."

Submitted by: David Martin

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Fortune Telling Nanny

The story of Mary Poppins as a nanny is well known. Less well-known is her subsequent tale....

She traveled to Hollywood, where she opened a shop on Sunset Boulevard as a fortune-teller. Of course we already know she has supernatural powers, so it's no surprise that she was quite skilled in fortune-telling, and her reputation grew rapidly.

She continued to tell fortunes, and found that in particular, she always received a very strong premonition whenever someone was about to have an onset of bad breath. Her predictions of this turned out to be accurate 100% of the time. In order to publicise her success at this, she had a large sign placed above her door, which read: Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis.

Submitted by: Frederick Upton

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Murder on the farm

In the depths of the countryside there lived a farmer who took care of baby animals.

The farm was very peaceful until one day the farmer's pig was murdered. Now the farmer took the incident very seriously, so he started an investigation. Unfortunately, the only witness the farmer had to this murder was his pet bunny rabbit.

Since the rabbit was unable to speak and tell him who murdered his little pig, the farmer lined up his four prime suspects, a cow, a horse, a goat, and a duck, and told the rabbit to pick out who had committed the dirty deed.

The rabbit hopped up and down the line, checking each animal, and then finally hopped forward three feet, and stopped in front of the goat.

"It wasn't me! It was't me!" yelled the goat.

The farmer shook his head and said, "The hare's looking at you, kid."

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Musical Movie

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present.

Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favourite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then,looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

So Arnold says........

"I'll be Bach."

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