Demoted Policeman

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.

He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"

"That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."

"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.

"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike.

"Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere."

"That there is," replied Mike.

"Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."

Submitted by: Stan Kegel

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This Circus Has Gone To The Dogs!

Once there was a circus that was without a doubt the best circus in the world because it boasted the best lion tamer in the world. He was spectacular, the lions would do whatever he said, the high point of course was that he would stick his head in a lion's mouth.

When the circus started losing money the owner started selling off animals and equipment to help meet expenses. He called the Lion Tamer into his office.

"I'd really like to keep you on, because you keep the circus going," the owner said. "But I've had to sell your lions because they cost too much to feed. Still, you're good, and we need you, so if you can come up with an act with what we have left, you've got a job."

"Well, I do need a job," the Lion Tamer said. "What animals do you have left?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," the owner said, "the only animal I have left is my faithful old Bassett hound. I'd never sell him!"

"I'll take him," said the Tamer.

So the Lion Tamer worked with the Bassett hound and taught him the entire lion act. The dog caught on right away, but there was a problem: no way was the Lion Tamer's head going to fit into the dog's mouth.

"My foot will fit," the Lion Tamer said, so he tried it, and sure enough the dog picked that up too.

Opening night, the Lion Tamer did the act with the Bassett hound, and the crowd loved it. They'd never seen anything like it before. At the end of the act, when the Lion Tamer put his foot into the dog's mouth, the crowd went wild.

"Encore, encore!" the crowd yelled.

Well, the Lion Tamer hadn't thought of an encore before, so he thought to himself, "If one foot is good, two is better."

So he stuck his other foot into the dog's mouth. Well, the two feet together are almost as big as the dog's head, so the dog was choking and gasping, and finally out of self-preservation, he clamped his jaws shut, biting off the Lion Tamer's legs at mid-calf.

And the moral of this story....?

Don't put all your legs in one Bassett.

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Raven's Revenge

I live near a small town and farming community, and the following event happened to a friend of mine, a farmer named Ken Kellog. Ken raises sheep, and he has this surly, unpredictable ram which boldly tries to escape the pasture at any opportunity. He also has quite a temper (the ram, not Ken).

A bunch of ravens had their nests near by -- about twenty ravens in all. Ten ravens make up a swoop, just like more than four sheep are a flock, etc. Anyways, these ravens loved to harass the ram. They'd fly down into the field and caw at him until he charged at them. Then they'd all fly upward, and the ram would crash into the fence. Once, though, one of the ravens didn't get out of the way in time, and he was crushed against the fencepost. The others decided to get revenge.

When Farmer Kellog came out to check on his sheep one day, he forgot to lock the gate properly. The ravens, working together, pushed it open, and lured the ram out into the hayfield. They flew towards the bailing maching, the ram bleating furiously all the way. At the last moment, the ravens pulled up -- and the ram ran straight into the bailer.

He came out the other side in a mangled package. Twenty big black birds came to perch upon him, satisfied, leaving the farmer with two swoops of ravens on a package of Kellog's brazen ram.

Submitted by: Jo Scott

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The Entomologist

Henry was an entomologist at the local university. He was to be up for a promotion this year and with the promotion would come tenure. But there was a problem.

It was not that he couldn't teach - indeed two years ago he'd been honored by the undergraduates by being named their favorite teacher - No his problem was with his research: He hadn't had asuccessful research project in several years, and in this day of "Publish or Perish", this was not a good situation.

So that day, feeling depressed, he left the University as soon as his morning lecture was over, so that he could work in his garden. This always had been effective in relieving tension in the past.But to his chagrin, he found most of his roses were dying, and on further examination found they were infested with a parasite.

But what were these insects. They appeared to belong to the order Anapleura. That was strange. Anapleura infected mammals not plants.

He examined them more closely. Small. Wingless. Definitely a species of Pediculosis, but one he had never seen before. He gathered up several specimens, and rushed to his lab, full of new vigor.He examined the insects and detail and rapidly wrote an article describing this new species of insect.

Well, I'm sure you know result. The article was immediately accepted by the American Journal of Entomology. His job was saved and he received his most coveted tenure.And he received a new major grant to study this new species.

You could say he had discovered a new lice on leaf.

Submitted by: Stan Kegel

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Pullover

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the lady behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yells, "PULLOVER!"

"NO," she yelled back over the sound of the siren, "It's a SCARF!"

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