My Aunt's Cat

My aunt's beloved cat Ginger had grown seriously overweight, so she decided to take him to the vet to find out if there was anything wrong with him - and more to the point, whether anything could be done about it.

So she put him into the kitty-carry box, and drove to the surgery.

The doc prescribed a course of pills, and my aunt left, happy in the knowledge that Ginger would soon be his slim old self again.

But after a few weeks of taking the pills, there was no change: Ginger was as fat as ever. Soon months had gone by, and still there was no difference. In fact, if anything, it was getting worse.

The other problem was the invoices from the vet - these pills were costing a fortune.

It soon became clear to us all that Ginger had become a doc-billed fatty-puss.

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The Stern Captain

A cargo ship is travelling from the US to Europe with a cargo of various consumer goods. The journey is proceeding on schedule, until suddenly, right in the middle of the Atlantic, they encounter a bad squall and some of the containers at the rear of the ship get washed overboard.

Quite aside from the loss of the cargo, this is also a problem because the ship's load is now severely unbalanced and in these rough seas they can't take on enough ballast to compensate.

The captain orders his crew to move all the forward containers of beauty soap aft, which should get them back to level. The crew get to work, and when they're done the bo'sun reports in.

"Did you move it all?" asks the captain.

"Aye, sir, we've left no Tone unsterned."

Submitted by: David Frier

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The Angry King

Once, long ago, a king summoned all his provincial rulers to his castle. He was in a rather belligerent mood, and wanted to scare them into giving him extra taxes.

Unknown to him, they met in secret on the way, and decided that they should agree to pay the extra, but they would at first pretend to refuse, so they could try to bargain down the actual amount extra they would have to pay.

They arrived at the king's castle, and gathered in the audience chamber. The king made his demands, and as agreed, they started to refuse.

Unfortunately, they hadn't realised just how belligerent the king's mood was: as soon as they started to refuse, he got angry, and ordered his guards to kill them on the spot.

More than half of them were slain before they even realised what was happening, and the others had to do some very quick grovelling to survive.

After everything had settled down, those who remained explained to the king their plan, and the king was filled with remorse for his hasty actions.

The moral of the story?

Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken.

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Old Fur

Animal activist Bo Derek was horrified to learn that the Queen of England wears antique sable coats.

She decided to confront the Queen over the issue, and arranged to get herself invited to an event which the Queen was also due to attend.

So a couple of months later, there they were at a very high class tea party. Rich people everywhere. Bo started looking around for the Queen. Sure enough, there she was. It was time for the confrontation!

She marched up to the Queen, and demanded an answer.

Elizabeth responded haughtily: "Some wear old fur to reign, Bo."

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Dead Rabbit

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. Another car arrives on the scene, and the driver sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The newcomer says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet,turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says....

"Hair restorer.......adds permanent wave."

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