A Dog Named Mace

There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace. Mace was a great dog except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat grass - not just a little bit, but in quantities that would make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed, could cure him of it.

One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside. He looked and looked, but it was nowhere to be found. As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided to look the next morning.

When he awoke, he went outside, and saw that his dog had eaten the grass all in the area, around where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain sight, glinting in the sun.

Going out to get his wrench, he called the dog over to him and said, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me."

Submitted by: Jim Butler

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Magazine Correspondent

Shortly after the Korean War, the son of then South Korean President Syngman Rhee was hired as a Life Magazine correspondent. The younger Rhee was a remarkably kind, gentle and considerate man, but he had one problem: He loved to drink and sometimes was gone on a bender for days. On one occasion, Rhee was missing for three days before someone at the magazine's office finally suggested they look for him. Other correspondents and even the police were involved in the search. Finally, about two weeks later, a policeman walked into a tavern, looked at the man slumped over the bar and cried, "Ah, Sweet Mr. Rhee of Life, at last I've found you."

Submitted by: Jerry Tee

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Ruffled Up

This piece of string walks into a bar. But before he gets halfway to the bar, the bartender calls out "Hey! String! We don't serve your sort in here."

Not to be deterred, the string tries to order a drink, but when the bartender pulls a pair of scissors out from behind the bar, the piece of string decides to leave, running for the door.

Hours later, the piece of string is still frustrated at not being able to get a drink anywhere. He's all twisted up and his ends are coming loose from being thrown out of so many bars.

Before going into the last bar, the piece of string ruffles his ends up even more and contorts himself even more.

As he goes into the last bar, the bartender calls out "Hey! You!" Looking carefully, he asks "Are you a piece of string?"

Feigning ignorance, the piece of string says "No, I'm a frayed knot."

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Russian Weatherman

The latest celebrity on television is a Russian, going by the name of Rudolph, who has taken the weather forecasting world by storm. He seems to have an incredible and uncanny knack of not just getting the forecast correct, but being amazingly accurate, sometimes even being able to tell where the rain will fall down to the nearest mile or so.

His fame was enhanced by his personality - being Russian, he had some unique turns of phrase. He was also a fanatical communist.

One day, one of his younger fans was watching with his parents. Young James turned to his mother, and asked "How does he manage to get the weather forecast so good?"

His mother thought for a bit and said, "I'm not sure, but one thing's for certain - Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

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Come on Bert!

Bert was a cheese maker in France. He was also keen on raising money for charities. So one year he decides he's going to run in the Paris marathon, dressed up as a piece of cheese, to raise some money.

He starts training for the event, and getting sponsors to sign his forms. Everything is looking good.

And then comes the day of the race. He oversleeps, and only just arrives at the start line on time. And the cheese outfit is much heavier than he thought it would be. It's a disaster. He sets off running, but before the first corner, he is already in last place.

His friends and colleagues are in the crowd, and they see this, so they decide to shout some encouragement to him.

So they all shout in unison as he gets close: "Camembert!"

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