Ruffled Up

This piece of string walks into a bar. But before he gets halfway to the bar, the bartender calls out "Hey! String! We don't serve your sort in here."

Not to be deterred, the string tries to order a drink, but when the bartender pulls a pair of scissors out from behind the bar, the piece of string decides to leave, running for the door.

Hours later, the piece of string is still frustrated at not being able to get a drink anywhere. He's all twisted up and his ends are coming loose from being thrown out of so many bars.

Before going into the last bar, the piece of string ruffles his ends up even more and contorts himself even more.

As he goes into the last bar, the bartender calls out "Hey! You!" Looking carefully, he asks "Are you a piece of string?"

Feigning ignorance, the piece of string says "No, I'm a frayed knot."

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Russian Weatherman

The latest celebrity on television is a Russian, going by the name of Rudolph, who has taken the weather forecasting world by storm. He seems to have an incredible and uncanny knack of not just getting the forecast correct, but being amazingly accurate, sometimes even being able to tell where the rain will fall down to the nearest mile or so.

His fame was enhanced by his personality - being Russian, he had some unique turns of phrase. He was also a fanatical communist.

One day, one of his younger fans was watching with his parents. Young James turned to his mother, and asked "How does he manage to get the weather forecast so good?"

His mother thought for a bit and said, "I'm not sure, but one thing's for certain - Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

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Come on Bert!

Bert was a cheese maker in France. He was also keen on raising money for charities. So one year he decides he's going to run in the Paris marathon, dressed up as a piece of cheese, to raise some money.

He starts training for the event, and getting sponsors to sign his forms. Everything is looking good.

And then comes the day of the race. He oversleeps, and only just arrives at the start line on time. And the cheese outfit is much heavier than he thought it would be. It's a disaster. He sets off running, but before the first corner, he is already in last place.

His friends and colleagues are in the crowd, and they see this, so they decide to shout some encouragement to him.

So they all shout in unison as he gets close: "Camembert!"

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Anne's Disco

Anne the harpist and Sam the trombonist went out to a discotheque.

Sam's car wouldn't lock, but Sam was a good friend of the owner, so they locked their instruments in his office, and went into the disco for some fun.

By the end of the night, and having had way too much to drink, they went back to rehearsal, completely forgetting to take back their instruments.

Anne told the conductor, "I left my harp in Sam's friend's disco."

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Long Lived Dolphins

In deepest Africa an explorer discovered a lake in which there lived a race of intelligent porpoise. He learned to communicate with these porpoises and they quickly learned to speak and to read and write.

They told him that they had live in the lake for thousands of years and they were essentially immortal. When the explorer told the world about the wisdom of these porpoise, people from all over the world began to write letters to them asking for help and advice.

There was no postal service to this remote lake so the mail just collected at the post office and the postal service refused to deliver it without special delivery postage. But because of the international prestige the government at last agreed to deliver the mail for free.

Because the lake was so remote there was no road and the postal service had to send a postman with bearers carrying the mail in sacks. As they approached the lake they came upon a large lion sleeping directly across the narrow path.

After some deliberation, the postman told the bearers to just step over lion very carefully so as not to wake him.

They were just starting to do so; when a policeman sprang from the brush and said, "You're all under arrest! Don't you know it's illegal carry free mail across a sedate lion for immortal porpoises!"

Submitted by: Brent Meeker

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