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Twin Dancers

I was in a bar in San Francisco one day and there was a dancer on stage. Since I was the only patron in the bar the bartender talked to me.

He told me that he employed twin dancers who were working their way through college. One was named Shelly and the other Jan. He said that one day Shelly would be dancing and the next day Jan would be dancing.

I asked him which one was dancing that day.

He looked up and said, "It must be Shelly 'cause Jan don't shake like that."
Submitted by: John Hines

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End of the world?

On a road through a desert in Arizona, a preacher named Nathaniel Evans walked every day, preaching to the many people who roared past in their cars.

"Repent, the End of the World is Nigh!" was his constant theme.

One day, as he was walking, he came to a big lever in the middle of nowhere, just by the side of the road. 'Pull this to end the world' said the sign on it.

Now Nathaniel saw this as the perfect spot for him to preach, and soon many automobiles were parked nearby, the people all swayed by his powerful elocution.

All was well, until there were so many people, and so many cars, that the road was nearly blocked. Then a big 18-wheel rig came down the highway, and couldn't stop in time. The driver had a choice: run over Nathaniel, or run over the Lever.

As the driver explained to the Highway Patrol later, he actually had no choice. Pointing to the red smear on the road that used to be Nathaniel Evans, he said "Better Nate than Lever."
Submitted by: Alan Brain

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We're all a clone.

A blonde I know decided to have twelve clones made of herself. When she went to the clinic, she found it was a bleak brick house without any windows. When she asked the Clone Arranger why there were no windows, she was told that people in glass houses shouldn't grow clones.

As the clones were growing up, she found she was never allowed to take them out for a walk, because "you'll never walk a clone".

What disturbed her the most was that every time she would visit them, they all would be yelling at the top of their lungs. When she asked why they yelled so much she was told that this was to be expected as she had ordered a dozen I scream clones.
Submitted by: Stan Kegel

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Bass Violins

Recently, the Minnesota Orchestra was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims.....

Now at this point, you must understand two things: Firstly, there's a quite long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page. Secondly, there is a night club right across the street from the Minnesota's Orchestra Hall, rather favoured by local musicians.

It had been decided that during this performance, once the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage, rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and drink a few brews.
After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late."

Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."

So they had another round, and finally returned to the Opera house, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble. Katims was furious! And why not? After all...

It was the bottom of the Ninth, the basses were loaded, and the score was tied.

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Cheese on the Moon

A group of astronaughts are on the moon. They've been mining the surface, and have discovered that it really is made of cheese.

One particular area of cheese that they're quite interested in is a large vein of brie, and they've already been there twice, and collected samples to be returned to mission control.

All of a sudden, the radio crackles into life: "Mission control to cheese-base-one - we need you to get a third load of that brie!"

But the astronaughts are unhappy with the idea. They try to come up with all sorts of excuses why they shouldn't dig any more...

"It'll spoil the environment if we take too much. We don't want to leave this place looking bad.

"After all - have you ever seen such a site in your life as brie mined thrice?"

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