Darius The Mede

Once there was a conference of scholars investigating ancient history. They were considering the nationality of King Darius, mentioned in the Bible as Darius the Mede.

Some of those present took the different view that Darius was actually from Persia, whereas others were inclined to agree with the Bible that he was a Mede.

Tempers began to flare, until one wise professor said, "Let's not argue this! After all, one man's Mede is another man's Persian."

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Mountaineering Kate

Kate Moss is at the top of mountain, looking down, when suddenly she slips, and starts falling down, down, down....

But as she falls, she realises that amazingly, she's missing all the boulders and rocks that litter the sides of the mountain. When she finally stops falling, she gets up, and finds that she's totally uninjured.

And the moral of this story is...?

A rolling Moss gathers no stones.

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Ice-Cream Man

Carlos the ice-cream man's van is parked at the side of the road. Lights flashing, music playing, a big queue of excited kids stretches down the street. But no sign of Carlos.

A policeman walking down the road wonders what is going on. Where is Carlos? Why is he not dishing out the ice-cream?

He goes over to the van and peers over the high counter. On the floor he spots Carlos, Lying very still covered in chocolate sauce, strawberry sauce, nuts, hundreds and thousands and those little jelly bits.

"Get back kids," he shouts. Moving away so the bemused kids cannot overhear him he gets on the radio to the station.

"Sargent - you'd get a team down here quick," he stutters, "It's Carlos the ice-cream man......He's topped himself!"

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Daffodils In Jam

A man asked his son what he would like for his forthcoming sixth birthday. The son said he wanted a hamster so the man visited the local pet shop. There he found the perfect hamster who was in the peak of health so he bought it. He also bought a cage with a wheel and a water bottle. As he was leaving the store owner said "Any problems what-so-ever, just come back here. I live right above the shop and I'll help you out any time you want."

The man put the hamster and cage in his car and drove home. He left them in there until his son had gone to bed so that he wouldn't see them when he brought them in. Next morning is the son's birthday so the man gets up early to wrap the other presents and to check on the hamster. He is horrified to see that the hamster is lying dead in the bottom of the cage with it's legs in the air! He realises that his son will be distraught as he's talked about nothing else for weeks! Quickly he pulled on his coat and drove round to the pet shop and knocked on the owner's door. He explains the problem and the owner is quite understanding and gives the man a new hamster, refusing to take any payment for it.

The man then says "What can I do with the old one? I don't want to bury it as the cat may dig it up and I don't want to throw it away in case my son sees it in the bin".

The pet-shop owner replies "What I do is mix up a strong sugar solution - about 1.5kg of sugar and 2 litres of water, bring it to the boil and then add the hamster and simmer for about two hours, stirring periodically. It makes quite a nice jam."

The man says thank you and that he will try the rather strange recipe and then dashes home with the new hamster. He gives the new hamster to his son who is thrilled with it and promptly goes off to play with it. The man then decides to try the pet-shop owner's recipe so goes to the supermarket to get some sugar, then gets the largest saucepan he has and starts cooking. After two hours, the mixture has become jam-like so the man decides to try it. He gets a slice of bread and smears a layer on and takes a bite. And it is (not unsuprisingly) absolutely revolting! In disgust he throws the rest of the mixture out of the window, all over his garden, and does his best to forget about the whole thing.

But after a few days he notices that daffodils are springing up all over his lawn. He is at a loss to explain it as he's never had any in his garden before! Next day, his son asks him to take him to the pet-shop as he wants to get some more food for the hamster so the man agrees. Whilst his son is looking around at the other animals, the pet-shop owner, recognising the man, comes over to talk to him.

"So", he said, "did you try that recipe I gave you?"

"Yes, but it tasted disgusting so I threw it out the window. Odd thing is, where is landed I've got daffodils growing!"

"Daffodils?" asked the store owner, "Are you sure? You usually get tulips from hamster-jam"

Submitted by: Phil Cooling

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Twin Dancers

I was in a bar in San Francisco one day and there was a dancer on stage. Since I was the only patron in the bar the bartender talked to me.

He told me that he employed twin dancers who were working their way through college. One was named Shelly and the other Jan. He said that one day Shelly would be dancing and the next day Jan would be dancing.

I asked him which one was dancing that day.

He looked up and said, "It must be Shelly 'cause Jan don't shake like that."

Submitted by: John Hines

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