Chocolate covered peanuts

Man goes to his doctor with a peanut stuck in his left ear.
"What can I do to get it out?" he asks pathetically.
The doctor takes a look, and says "Pour warm chocolate in the right ear and tilt your head."
"How on Earth will that help?" asks the bewildered patient.
"Easy", replies the Doc, "When the chocolate cools it should come out a treat....."

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Snail Crime

A snail got mugged by two tortoises. When he went to the police, they questioned him as to what happened.
He said, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"

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Parking at the bank

A guy walks into a bank in the middle of London and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the bank officer that he's going to Spain on holidays for two weeks and needs to borrow �5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the man hands over the keys to a brand new BMW.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, he shows all the documents and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the BMW as collateral for the loan.
The Bank Manager and its officials all enjoy a good laugh at this guy for using a �100,000 BMW as collateral against a �5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the BMW into the bank's underground Car Park and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the �5,000 and the interest, which comes to �12. The Bank Manager says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are very well off and have plenty of money and own 250 acres of land. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow �5,000?"
The man replies: "Where else in London can I park my car in the City Centre with valet parking and good security for two weeks for only �12 and expect it to still be there when I get back?"

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Beer, Ice-cream and pizza diet.

A little science is a dangerous thing...

As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree Celsius.
Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.
For example, a dessert served and eaten near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg.F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalised.
Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories. Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.
This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalising process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories.
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.
Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.
Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.
We should all be thin very soon if we adhere religiously to this pizza, beer, and ice cream diet.

Happy eating.

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Drummers

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

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