The Laws Of Computer Programming
  1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
  2. Any given program costs more and takes longer each time it is run.
  3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
  4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
  5. Any given program will expand to fill all the available memory.
  6. The value of a program is inversely proportional to the weight of its output.
  7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.

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Speech! Speech!

"S-peach, s-peach," they cried. He stepped up to the podium.
"I want to ap-peas you all, but I will not be apple to speak today. I always go off on irrelevant tangerines. Avocado-go now. It's bean grape.

Submitted by: Jane E

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Mystery Writers Changing Light Bulbs

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb? One, but he needs to give it a good twist.

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Test Drive

There was a poor man who had inherited a fortune. The one thing he had always wanted was a sports car, so he went down to the local showroom. Small problem: he had hardly driven in his life. Of course, he doesn't mention that to the salesman, and the next thing he knows, he's driving a Porche at top speed down the highway.

Suddenly, just as he's reaching top speed, there's an almighty bang from the engine, and smoke starts pouring from the car.

So he calls the salesman, and explains that is wasn't his fault; something must have been wrong with the car.

The salesman takes some persuading, but the client is extremely rich, so he agrees to let him have another car.

This time, it's a Lotus. Well, the man was driving this new car - top speed down the highway - when once again, there was an huge bang, and the engine leapt three feet out of it's mountings.

The salesman isn't as easy to convince, but... well, this is a rich customer, so... The salesman eventually agrees to give the guy one more chance, but this time he insists that he goes with, so he can see what is going on.

So they drive to the highway, and the man starts accelerating. He shifts the car (it's a Ferarri this time) past fourth gear, to fifth. Then to sixth. The car is going way over the speed limit, but he keeps accelerating.The salesman is holding onto his seatbelt for dear life. He closes his eyes in terror. Then suddenly, the car shakes violently, the engine makes an exploding noise, the car swerves, and finally comes to a halt in a lay-by.

"What did you do??" yells the salesman.

"Well, I was going faster and faster, and I ran out of numbered gears... so I put it into 'R' - for 'Race'."

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Programmer's confusion

Q: Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
A: Because DEC 25 = OCT 31

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