Test Drive

There was a poor man who had inherited a fortune. The one thing he had always wanted was a sports car, so he went down to the local showroom. Small problem: he had hardly driven in his life. Of course, he doesn't mention that to the salesman, and the next thing he knows, he's driving a Porche at top speed down the highway.

Suddenly, just as he's reaching top speed, there's an almighty bang from the engine, and smoke starts pouring from the car.

So he calls the salesman, and explains that is wasn't his fault; something must have been wrong with the car.

The salesman takes some persuading, but the client is extremely rich, so he agrees to let him have another car.

This time, it's a Lotus. Well, the man was driving this new car - top speed down the highway - when once again, there was an huge bang, and the engine leapt three feet out of it's mountings.

The salesman isn't as easy to convince, but... well, this is a rich customer, so... The salesman eventually agrees to give the guy one more chance, but this time he insists that he goes with, so he can see what is going on.

So they drive to the highway, and the man starts accelerating. He shifts the car (it's a Ferarri this time) past fourth gear, to fifth. Then to sixth. The car is going way over the speed limit, but he keeps accelerating.The salesman is holding onto his seatbelt for dear life. He closes his eyes in terror. Then suddenly, the car shakes violently, the engine makes an exploding noise, the car swerves, and finally comes to a halt in a lay-by.

"What did you do??" yells the salesman.

"Well, I was going faster and faster, and I ran out of numbered gears... so I put it into 'R' - for 'Race'."

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Programmer's confusion

Q: Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
A: Because DEC 25 = OCT 31

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New Dress

One lady told a friend, "Whenever I'm down in the dumps I buy myself a dress."

The other one said, "I've always wondered where you got them."

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If James Bond had been a cat.....

"The spy who licked me"

"Gold paw"

"Golden CatsEye"

"You only live nine times"

"Litter-tray Raker"

"Licence to mew"

"The neighbourhood is not enough"

"Octopussy" (same name, but the plot changes a bit)

"Lick and let dry"

"Never say meow again"

"Dr. No-I'm-Not-A-Vet-Honest"

"Kittens are forever"

"From Russian Blue with love"

"For cats' eyes only"

"View to a pounce"

"The cat with the golden claw"

"Feline Royale"

"Thundercat"

"On her majesty's slinking service"

"The sleeping daylights"

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Coffee Without Cream

A guy in a restaurant says to the waitress "I want a cup of coffee without cream." The waitress writes down his order, and goes off to the kitchen.
A few minutes later she comes back looking very apologetic. "I'm sorry," she says, "but we're all out of cream. Would you mind taking your coffee without milk?"

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