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Come on Bert!

Bert was a cheese maker in France. He was also keen on raising money for charities. So one year he decides he's going to run in the Paris marathon, dressed up as a piece of cheese, to raise some money.

He starts training for the event, and getting sponsors to sign his forms. Everything is looking good.

And then comes the day of the race. He oversleeps, and only just arrives at the start line on time. And the cheese outfit is much heavier than he thought it would be. It's a disaster. He sets off running, but before the first corner, he is already in last place.

His friends and colleagues are in the crowd, and they see this, so they decide to shout some encouragement to him.

So they all shout in unison as he gets close: "Camembert!"

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Anne's Disco

Anne the harpist and Sam the trombonist went out to a discotheque.

Sam's car wouldn't lock, but Sam was a good friend of the owner, so they locked their instruments in his office, and went into the disco for some fun.

By the end of the night, and having had way too much to drink, they went back to rehearsal, completely forgetting to take back their instruments.

Anne told the conductor, "I left my harp in Sam's friend's disco."

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Long Lived Dolphins

In deepest Africa an explorer discovered a lake in which there lived a race of intelligent porpoise. He learned to communicate with these porpoises and they quickly learned to speak and to read and write.

They told him that they had live in the lake for thousands of years and they were essentially immortal. When the explorer told the world about the wisdom of these porpoise, people from all over the world began to write letters to them asking for help and advice.

There was no postal service to this remote lake so the mail just collected at the post office and the postal service refused to deliver it without special delivery postage. But because of the international prestige the government at last agreed to deliver the mail for free.

Because the lake was so remote there was no road and the postal service had to send a postman with bearers carrying the mail in sacks. As they approached the lake they came upon a large lion sleeping directly across the narrow path.

After some deliberation, the postman told the bearers to just step over lion very carefully so as not to wake him.

They were just starting to do so; when a policeman sprang from the brush and said, "You're all under arrest! Don't you know it's illegal carry free mail across a sedate lion for immortal porpoises!"
Submitted by: Brent Meeker

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Eye Catching

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.

"Is this yours?" he asked.

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed. On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed.

Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?"

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"

The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"

"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."

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Fetching Cotton

A debt collector knocked on the door of a country family, that made their living weaving cloth.

"Is Jack home?" he asked the woman who answered the door.

"Im sorry," the woman replied. "Jack's gone for cotton."

A few weeks later the collector tried again. "Is Jack here today?"

Once again the answer was "No, sir, I'm afraid he has gone for cotton."

When he returned for the third time and Jack was still nowhere to be seen, he complained, "I suppose Jack is gone for cotton again?"

"No," the woman answered solemnly, "Jack died yesterday."

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Jack's tombstone, with this inscription: ...

"Gone, But Not for Cotton."

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