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Doctor's tipple

For years and years, a doctor had been having a drink after work at the same bar. Every time he walked in the door, the barman would mix his favourite drink, a hazelnut daiquiri.One day, the bartender didn't have any hazelnuts in the bar. Wondering what to do, he spied some hickory nuts and tried to make the drink from them instead.The doctor came in at his regular time, took a sip of the drink and exclaimed "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"

"No," said the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

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The Two Bakers

There were once two bakers shops in a small village. They were in fierce competition, with half the village going to one, and the other half shopping at the other.

One day, one of the bakers bought himself a new device that he found for sale in the city - it was a bread slicing machine, which could slice four loaves at once, using four large blades.

Suddenly, he found himself getting all the business in the town. No-one went to the other baker's shop any more, and it was forced out of business.

After he had closed the shop for the final time, the second baker went to visit the first, to ask for a job.

"How did you do it?" he asked, "How did you get so much business from me? You just got so much good luck all of a sudden."

"I'm not sure," said the first baker, "but I think it's got something to do with this four-loaf-cleaver I found..."
Submitted by: Simon Champion

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The Floating Dentists

A group of dentists decided to set up a new surgery. Since competition in their area was quite fierce, they wanted their new business to have something unique about it.

After much thought, they decided to set up shop on board a boat, moored on the banks of the river. As an added bonus, they also offered river crossings in the boat, with the dentistry work being performed during the crossing.

The business quickly became known as the Tooth Ferry.

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The Head

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth.

The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patronslooking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! - A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" But the bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! - Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair.By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! - Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street,where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

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Category: Shaggy dog stories
Fork Thief

One day in the jungle a chimpanzee invented some tools to eat his dinner. One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut his food. The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end each sharpened to a point He used to spear his food and place it in his mouth.

The chimp was very proud of his inventions which he called his one point tool and his four point tool.

One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was missing. The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool.

First he came upon the lion.

"Lion, Lion!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"

"No. Replied the lion, I have not seen your four point tool."

Then the chimp came upon the gorilla.

"Gorilla, Gorilla! he cried, Have you seen my four point tool?"

"No, Replied the gorilla, I have not seen your four point tool."

Then the chimp came upon the jaguar.

"Jaguar, Jaguar! he cried, Have you seen my four point tool?"

"Yup!" replied the jaguar, "I have seen your four point tool."

"Well where is it?" inquired the chimp.

"I ate it." Said the jaguar, smugly.

"Why would you do that?" Cried the chimp.

"Because," replied the big cat, "I am a four point tool eater Jaguar!"
Submitted by: Patrick Wallace

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