The Norse Statue

After a heavy day's digging at the archeological site in Norway, the researchers uncovered a priceless statue of the ancient Norse thunder god.

It was a wondrous piece of artwork - He had bulging muscles, and imposing stance, and of course his famous giant hammer.

But most important of all, the eyes in his fierce-looking face were made of two giant rubies that glittered with a brilliant red colour.

Of course, the two leading archeologists on the dig were both determined that they should be the one to have their name listed against the discovery, and pretty soon the argument was intensifying to the point where the rest of the team, despite being exhausted after the day's work, started to gather round to watch.

The two of them continued squabbling for some time, and they provided the others with a great source of amusement for the evening, and by the time they finally gave up and called a truce, everyone else was feeling quite refreshed by the entertainment.

As the crowd dispersed, one junior digger turned to his friend, and said:

"Well, that was a fight for Thor eyes."

Submitted by: Simon Champion


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Locked Car

A bloke is sitting by his car at the side of the road looking unhappy. A passer-by sees his glum face and asks what the problem is.

"I've locked myself out of my car." replies the man.

"That's not a problem," replied the passer-by, "Step out of the way, and let me have a look."

The motorist is a bit perplexed, but reckons there's no harm in it letting the man try. So the passer-by turns around, and rubs his legs slowly up and down the driver"s door. Suddenly, the lock opens and the man turns and opens the car door.

"That's amazing!" says the motorist, "How did you do it?"

"It's easy," replies the pedestrian, "I'm wearing khaki trousers."


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Punny Computer

Several programmers were working on a project titled the Machine Intelligence Language Trainer Operating Network, or M.I.L.T.O.N.

The objective was to develop a machine capable of making puns. They tried language after language, but with each one, the computer would just barely pass the Turing test for artificial intelligence. This wasn't good enough for them, so they wrote their own language. It utilized a double logarithmic tree to compare multiple meanings of words across various contexts. They called it the Humour Emulative Logarithmic Language. Once this code was programmed, the machine performed much, much better on the Turing tests, and made staggeringly awful puns. The Artificial Punster was born.

The decision was made to set MILTON up on the Internet, so that millions could enjoy the puns. It actually required installation on two servers in order to handle the demand for access. Unfortunately, it kept getting infected by viruses sent in by people who had no sense of humour, and the time it took to constantly clean the system was annoying the developers. They were about to pull the plug when the AP made it's own suggestion. If they allowed it to absorb the functions of the servers, it would be able to protect them from viruses (its unique use of language allowing it to make the necessary distinctions).

This was done, and it worked.

The programmers were the toast of the computer industry, and made the usual circuit of news 'zines and interviews. One day, a reporter thought to ask the AP how it would describe the story of its creation. The machine thought for a moment, then replied...

"Better Turing in H.E.L.L.' then two servers' haven."

Submitted by: Chris Coleman


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Hunting Deer

Two men were out hunting in the woods. One of them was a fanatical huntsman: he went hunting as often as he could. The other was his friend: a peaceful nature loving fellow, who didn't really want to hurt anything.

They had been out in the woods for some time, when they picked up the tracks of a deer. They soon caught up with it, and when they saw it, it was obvious why it had been so easy to catch up to: it had a terrible infection over it's left eye, which it couldn't even see out of.

The hunter started to take aim with his shotgun, but his friend begged him to stop.

He said, "Can't you see that's a bad eye deer?"


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Lost Mouse

A fellow received a mouse for his birthday and he loved it so much that he never parted with it. He took this mouse everywhere, to work, to parties, to the opera... One day, a good friend of his died and so he went to pay his respects. Naturally, he took the mouse, which was perched on his shoulder.

On his way home, he suddenly realized that the mouse was gone! He retraced all his moves for the day and realised that the last place he had seen the mouse was at the funeral. He raced back across town, but it was too late. The mouse must have jumped off his shoulder while he was sitting in the hearse. He spoke to the funeral directors, but they couldn't find it: it had completely vanished.

The man was filled with grief as he remembered an old adage his mother had told him time and time again as a kid:

Never lock a gift mouse in the hearse.


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