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The Doomed Starship

There was once a huge starship, called the SS Titanic. It was a mighty cruise ship, set to sail the inky blackness of space.

The first voyage of the immense vessel came. Thousands of people on board - mostly the rich and famous, and of course, a large crew to cater for their every need.

As the ship set off, no-one realised that her fate was just around the corner.

She flew around the galaxy, visiting several resort planets, before heading towards her last solar system. As she arrived, everyone found themselves looking in horror as the star exploded in front of their eyes - a supernova.

Of course, everyone was killed, and although search parties spent several years looking, nothing was ever found of the great ship, except for a single twisted, half-molten chunk of metal that had come from the toolkit of one of the ship's engineers.

The chunk of metal was put on display in a museum dedicated to the memory of the ship.

It became known as the Star-Mangled Spanner.

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Spooky Photograph

An enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom that lived in the spooky old mansion house at the edge of town.

When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, moaning and wailing and clanking chains.

"I mean no harm; I just want your photograph," the journalist said bravely.

Pleased at this chance to make headlines, the ghost posed for a number of shots, and the happy journalist rushed back to his darkroom and began developing the photos.

Unfortunately, they turned out to be so underexposed that nothing could be seen in them.

He was distraught, and went to a local pub to drown his sorrows. Meeting his friends there, they asked what was wrong. Not wanting to tell the whole story, he simply explained with a single sentence: ......

"The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak."
Submitted by: Bill Geraghty

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Fern Research

A botanist was trying to research some details about a particular kind of fern, so he sent a request to all his colleagues, asking them to send him any information they had about it.

Unfortunately, he didn't word his request very well, and all the botanists he'd contacted thought he was looking for details about any ferns, rather than just the one species. So within just a few hours of sending it out, his fax machine was buzzing with piles of useless documents about all kinds of ferns - there were tree ferns and wood ferns, ostrich ferns and cinnamon ferns... but very few about the particular type he wanted.

So he sent another message to everyone:

If it ain't bracken, don't fax it.

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Category: Shaggy dog stories
Shocking Truth About The Family Tree

The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. Their line had included Senators, Pastors, and Wall Street wizards.

Now they decided to compile a family history, a legacy for the children. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose: how to handle that great-uncle who was executed in the electric chair. But the author said not to worry, he could handle that section of history tactfully.

When the book appeared, the family turned to the section on Uncle George. There, they read "George Smith occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties. His death came as a real shock."
Submitted by: Stan Kegel

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The Two Competing Salesmen

Two salesmen have been called to a meeting at a company which is looking to buy one of their products. The decision of which product to buy will be based on these presentations, so for both salesmen it's a vitally important day.

In the board room, the company directors have all been gathered, and the first salesman is called into the room.

His presentation uses a flip-chart, with his diagrams all pre-printed on the pages of the chart.

The pages are all organised in the right order, and the presentation goes completetly smoothly. The board are impressed, but they still need to see the other presentation...

So the second salesman is called into the board room to face the directors.

He has decided to use an overhead projector for his presentation, with acetate slides, but it's otherwise much the same as the first one. His slides are organised in a folder carefully in the right order, with bookmarks for important slides so he can go back to them if there's any questions.

The presentation starts off well, as he works his way through the slides, but right in the middle, just as he's reaching the most important section, his ultimate nightmare strikes - he drops the folder, and his carefully organised acetates scatter all over the floor.

In a panic, he gathers them together. But it's too late - his presentation is in chaos. Even without the embarrasment, the sheets are now all in the wrong order, some have gotten dirty from the floor, and there's one particular one that he just can't seem to find anywhere.

He finishes his speech, but he knows even before he's finished that he's lost the deal, and so it proves to be. The final announcement is made in favour of the first salesman's product, and so the second salesman has lost the business.

And the moral of the story?

"He who acetates is lost."
Submitted by: Simon Champion

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