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Where every word is badly punounced


Excellent Deduction     (Search for similar jokes)
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU."
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, Someone has stolen our tent."
(sherlock: 52 of 64)

Getting your proverbs mixed     (Search for similar jokes)
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.
These are great:
  • As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You... Mess It Up.
  • Better Be Safe Than... Punch A 5th Grader.
  • Strike While The... Bug Is Close.
  • It's Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time.
  • Never Under Estimate The Power Of... Termites.
  • You Can Lead A Horse To Water But.. How?
  • Don't Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty.
  • No News Is... Impossible.
  • A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr.
  • You Can't Teach An Old Dog New... Math.
  • If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning.
  • Love All, Trust.. Me
  • The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs.
  • An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax.
  • Where There's Smoke, There's... Pollution.
  • Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents!
  • A Penny Saved Is... Not Much.
  • Two's Company, Three's... The Musketeers.
  • Don't Put Off Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed.
  • Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And... You Have To Blow Your Nose.
  • Children Should Be Seen And Not... Spanked Or Grounded.
  • If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries.
  • You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box.
  • When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.
(proverbs: 53 of 64)

Judgement     (Search for similar jokes)
Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.
(judgement: 54 of 64)

DoughBoy     (Search for similar jokes)
It is with a sad heart that I have to pass on the following. Please join me in remembering a great icon.
Veteran Pillsbury spokesperson, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Cap'n Crunch, and many others.The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, heeven still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end, it was thought he'd rise once again, but he was no tart.
Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
(pillsbury: 55 of 64)

A different theme on the 'Designated Driver'     (Search for similar jokes)
This is a story in a local South Island (New Zealand) community paper.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationery for a few moreminutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test. To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station this breathalyser equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it", said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."
(designated: 56 of 64)

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