A different theme on the 'Designated Driver' (Search for similar jokes)
This is a story in a local South Island (New Zealand) community paper.(designated: 56 of 64)
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationery for a few moreminutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test. To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station this breathalyser equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it", said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Snail Crime (Search for similar jokes)
A snail got mugged by two tortoises. When he went to the police, they questioned him as to what happened.(slow_snail: 57 of 64)
He said, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"
Best Ever? (Search for similar jokes)
Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has a 5 GigaHz processor, 10 gigabytes of RAM, 5 terabytes of disk storage, a screen resolutionof 10000x10000 pixels, relies entirely on voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket, and costs $100. What's the first question that the computer community asks?(supercomputer: 58 of 64)
"Is it PC compatible?"
Ant Farm (Search for similar jokes)
I recently bought an ant farm. I wonder where I can get tractors small enough for it?(ant_farm: 59 of 64)
Cleaning the house in 30 minutes (Search for similar jokes)
You're getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess.(messy: 60 of 64)
WHAT WILL YOU DO?
SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS
If a room clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days - much less 30 minutes - employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning.Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that the door is intentionally locked. CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom.
Time: 2 seconds
SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE
No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy for plumbing repairs, but it's a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything. No mess, no fuss.
Time: 2-3 minutes
SECRET TIP 3: OVENS
If you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens represent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which means they're a great place to shove dirty dishes, dirty clothes, or just about anything you want to get out of sight when company's coming.
Time: 2 minutes
SECRET TIP 4: CLOTHES DRYERS
Like Secret Tip 3, except bigger. CAUTION: Avoid hiding flammable objects here.
Time: 2.5 minutes
SECRET TIP 5: WASHING MACHINES & FREEZERS
Like Secret Tip 4, except even bigger.
Time: 3 minutes
SECRET TIP 6: DUST RUFFLES
No bed should be without one. Devotees of Martha Stewart believe dust ruffles exist to keep dust out from under a bed or to help coordinate the colorful look of a bedroom.The rest of us know a dust ruffle's highest and best use is to hide whatever you've managed to shove under the bed. (Refer to Secret Tips 3, 4, 5.)
Time: 4 minutes
SECRET TIP 7: DUSTING
The 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House method says: Never dust under what you can dust around.
Time: 3 minutes
SECRET TIP 8: DISHES
Don't use them. Use plastic or paper and you won't have to.
Time: 1 minute
SECRET TIP 9: VACUUMING
Stick to the middle of the room, which is the only place people look. Don't bother vacuuming under furniture. It takes way too long and no one looks there anyway.
Time: 5 minutes, entire house; 2 minutes, living room only
SECRET TIP 10: LIGHTING
The key here is low, low, and lower. It's not only romantic, but bad lighting can hide a multitude of dirt.
Time: 10 seconds
SECRET TIP 11: BED MAKING
Get an old-fashioned waterbed. No one can tell if those things are made up or not, saving you hundreds of seconds over the course of a lifetime.
SECRET TIP 12: SHOWERS, TOILETS, AND SINKS
Forget one and two. Concentrate on three.
Time: 1 minute
SECRET TIP 13:
If you already knew at least 10 of these tips, don't even think about inviting a Martha Stewart type to your home.
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